Love Letters: To a King

The letter I wish I had given you when we met…

My darling, my sweetheart, my future.

My Love.

Can I still call you that after all that has transpired?

I remember when we used to call ourselves so many sweet names, until eventually we stopping calling ourselves completely.

You had me longing for the default iPhone ringtone, and my heart would leap at the sight of your name flicking up on my screen.

Each iMessage brought a smile to my soul. Vibrate on silent, your texts had me sighing. Ahhhhh.

Then you went silent. Cold. DND. I scheduled the moon icon to descend on my screen from 7pm-7am to avoid the silence of your absence.

Not gonna lie, I was in my feels.

You apprehended my emotions.

You were relegated from my Favourites, deleted from my contacts and blocked from all my lists.

I’ve called you so many names on my phone, I’ve forgotten how to approach you.

You went from your 8 letter government name to your middle name to ❤️ to My King to Do Not Answer to your 11 digit telecom name.

So my darling, my sweetheart, my future, today I christen you my past, because today I realised that I need to let you go.

And that was strange.

Today I realised that you’re not ready for this, for us, for me.

And I don’t need to hang around just in case you figure out what you want.

I don’t need to do God’s work for Him.

Maybe I’m talking out of frustration, maybe I’m talking from a place of fear, perhaps the stains of self-condemnation are driving these feelings, but I’m stepping back.

Maybe I saw it from the beginning, and I’ve been rationalising the problem. The lawyer in me kept making further submissions, applying for adjournments, and reconsidering every Refusal.

But I feel like I’ve discharged the evidential burden; but the lawyer in you still has not rebutted my contention.

So I’m going to do what you should have done a few months ago – what I’ve tried to do so many times before, but never had the courage to.

I don’t need to hang around.

I don’t need to wait for you.

I need to keep going.

So let’s not talk about the past failures. I’ll try not to delete every memory of us from my iCloud.

Let’s not talk about how we started, when we both felt as if we had seen God. I’ll try force myself not to read our early text conversations, yearning for the writer to return.

You’re not ready. I see that now.

I didn’t want to, but I do.

I’m going to leave, because you’re still sleeping.

I hope you wake up.

You can wake up and realise what you want. And if you don’t, cool story bro. I can move on with my life.

“Where have you been all my life?”

Do you remember those were the first words you told me when we met? And I didn’t know? Lol, well I guess nothing has changed.

Where will I be for the rest of you life?

I still don’t know. But I know He does, and even if you don’t, He will lead me.

I don’t hate you, I just don’t have the same level of trust in you to follow Him for us. And waiting for you to align with His Will is becoming more like a game I don’t want to play.

But the God we serve doesn’t play games. He’s radical and He deserves so much more trust than I’ve given Him.

So goodbye. I’m going to go.

Know that I tried, even if you couldn’t.

I will be here as your friend, for as long as He permits me to be.

We fought a good fight, but it was never meant to be a battle against each other.

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