The Chronicles of Bae: The Case of The Ex

“As a dog returneth to his vomit, so a fool returneth to his folly.”

Proverbs 26 v 11

“Hello Stranger…”

My iPhone vibrated off the table and a sharp WhatsApp ping rose to my ear.

I caught a glimpse of the name.

Ohmygosh.

How did he…?

I mean, what does he…?

Didn’t I block him??

Sighs. I guess I should reply right, I mean, it would be unkind not too. Mmmhmm. Lol, and other lies we tell ourselves. How you doin’?

And we were off. A two word text from the Ex opened the door to a stream of messages, his apologies, his promises and his requests, and somehow somehow, we were at dinner.

But why Steph? 

This week we are talking about Exes – specifically, getting back together with an ex-partner.

Remember that verse I told you to check out last week as further reading? Yeah, that. It basically encapsulates my most recent dating experience…

I don’t know if anyone has been there before, but what is it that lulls us back in?

The familiarity?

The comfort?

The memories??

It’s like ex-partners emit a strange warmth, and like moths we are just drawn to their flame. Talk about rose-tinted glasses….oh yes, the case of the ex , no Mya lol.

Or maybe some people are just that addictive.

Maybe some men just can’t be resisted, at least that’s how it feels right?

And boy did my Ex feel like one of those men. They say that the devil comes dressed for church too, and ohgarshhhh does he come dressed well. He also happens to come looking like he is just your height, fit and type. But scratch beneath the surface and you’ll find something missing….

So these are my confessions part 2, no Usher. Lol ok no more r’n’b references. I am going to try to explain what happened as best as I can, but I will start by introducing the main protagonists in my mind (because aside from when God is speaking, I have three voices in conversation: )

Stephanie Spirit = the voice of biblical reason. Spirit-filled, demon-chasing, scripture-quoting, constantly aligning itself with the Word. She’s bold. She’s rational. She’s “spiri”. Rababosh.

Stephanie Flesh = the voice of messy comments and head-shaking behaviours. She has an acerbic wit and can be located somewhere between the greed aisle and her feels. She’s carnal. Most of her commentary needs to be crossed out. You heard it here first.

Stephanie Self = Just me, built up from my intellect and my experiences. Mainly following the Spirit but ohmy, when I let the Flesh lead….

Soooo life is a constant dialogue between these Stephanies – the spiritual v the carnal. Often, “spiri” Stephanie wins, but as you’ll see below, recently, and I mean very recently, I let Carnal Stephanie win*. Sighs. But it all started so innocently…..let’s continue…

“Hello Stranger…”

It started with a “hello stranger” and we were at dinner.

Dinner gini? I know you got food in your house Sis, and I know you ain’t that hungry. These times, it’s fasting season, you better turn that plate down. But slyly we break at 6.00pm, so dinner at 6.30pm might make sense, just saying lol…

You’ve been here before remember? Well actually no, he chose a really nice restaurant, I think it’s new, like you know those places you take someone when you’re tryna make amends and you need a little bit of quiet, but still timely service. I mean the decor was just — oh wait, you didn’t mean the venue, you meant here, as in emotionally. Oh my baaaaad lol.

The restaurant is not important. He’s just peacocking and you’re letting him. Ayyyy I’m not mad at him, they do good food here, my guy can show off as much as he likes if it means casual breaking fasts over in this place! Sidenote, LOVE peacocks, they are the cutest. Don’t come for their feathers, cos I will come for your edges. We will fight.

Ok flesh, you go and take all the seats. Stephanie, can you just listen. This was the guy you met two years ago.

This was the guy you dated two years ago.

This was the guy you dumped two years ago.

The guy you asked never to call you again, never to text you again, to delete your number from his phone. Shall I continue?

So why are we here, smiling as though we’ve only just met, laughing as if we’ve been together all this while.

Steph, whyy?

It all started so innocently.

I wish I could say I saw through his smile, that his platitudes fell on deaf ears, but no, here I was, here we were. Back together again.

Him, recalling tales of his last trip to Nigeria, his voice as smooth as wine. He pours me a glass.

Me, reacquainting my gaze with his face, trying to figure out where the new hairs have grown on his chin. He pours himself a glass.

Him, with that booming laugh that seems to envelope the whole room, sharing updates on his mother, his father, his older brothers and that friendly Supreme Court Judge who beat his corruption case. Another glass.

Me, smiling, trying to hide the fact that I can’t stop smiling and failing, miserably. No more glasses. Lol erm, but these times you don’t even drink, but I guess it’s a special occasion so YOLO right, and slyly he chose a good bottle of wine so let’s get sipping.

“Ada, I miss you…”

Sighs. No. No no no, Stephanie don’t do it.

Did you forget the reason you broke up?

The way you begged God for forgiveness for going astray?

The way you promised never to date “his type” again?

Did you forget the way you cried? Do you remember?

I wish I did. Because had I remembered, perhaps I would have recalled that verse in Proverbs:

“As a dog returneth to his vomit, so a fool returneth to his folly.”

Proverbs 26 v 11

Because this isn’t just “his type” Stephanie, this is him, again. And he hasn’t changed.

“I’m sorry things went the way they did. Ada, I’ve changed.”

No he hasn’t.

“I promise I’m a good boy now.”

No he isn’t.

“A very good boy”

MmmHmm.

“The kind you will really like”

Lie lie.

So what’s it going to be Steph?

Because this is not Bae, the Adam, the proverbial Boaz.

So what’s it’s going to be?

Because if you allow yourself to continue down this path, you know where it ends.

So what will it be?

Because six months of wasteful harmless fun will lead to six months of regret oh so quickly.

So what is it gonna be?

Because God told you need to slow down and be single…

*So the flesh won the battle but you already know who won the war. Next week, the art of breaking up…

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