The Chronicles of Bae: Marriage or Mission?

Hey Guys,

So before I give you my diary of a mad black woman story, I wanna set you a challenge, are you ready?

I want you to choose mission over marriage.

Let it not be your mission to be married, but let’s be excited for the things God wants us to do in our current season. In fact, if you are single, I want you to embrace your current relationship status with as much enthusiasm as you can realistically muster.

I mean, real enthusiasm, not apathy or anger. Not despondency or desperation.

Like, embrace it. Hug it. Give it a cuddle. Maybe a holy kiss on the cheek.

And let me tell you why…

Because God wants to bind up your broken heart (if you’ll let Him.)

He wants to cure you of the resentment, bitterness and unforgiveness (if you’ll let Him.)

He wants to restore your esteem, rebuild your confidence and replenish your consciousness (if you’ll let Him.)

IF you’ll let Him, He wants you to stop faking normal.

Ooooooh faking normal, is that a thing?

Ask your pride tongue ego heart.

Completely up to you of course, but let me tell you what happens when you fake normal and convince yourself things are ok – you wind up with Balaam’s Donkey.

Oh yesso. When you don’t deal with your heart, the lust and the greed, life will teach you a learnable lesson.

Remember Balaam and his donkey in Numbers 22? It took the animal he rode on day in, day out to wake him up. You see, God only needs to tell you once, but depending on your level of maturity spirituality petulance stubbornness, you may or may not listen, so He uses others, Balaam’s Donkey – it may be a person, or it may be an actually donkey. Shook.

But homespice, don’t wait for the donkey. Check your patterns and check your cycles. Repetition has a voice. Our behaviours speak and if the most basic thing in your life is speaking, you best be prepared to listen.

Behaviours makes a sound in the spirit – What is yours saying? Cos mine said this:

“What do you want Stephanie?”

I really wish I could say that this was a question my Spirit posed whilst I was deep in meditation, going in with my Word, rabbabosh, but no, it wasn’t.

It was the question AmericanBae posed to me one afternoon on my most recent trip to the States.

Oh, AmericanBae, who heeeeee?

Oh him. Lol, one of these days I will have to do dramatis personæ for each Bae, because having met ‘WannaBae’, we still have to introduce you to the other messy weird and wonderful characters in The Chronicles of Bae….

First there was Bae-foreChrist…

…then FirstBaeInChrist…aka BaeWatch…

… then ChurchBae…aka OldManBae…

…then UberBae…aka LukewarmBae

…then VillageBae…aka …BaeNeedAVisa…

…then WannaBae aka I’mNotEvenGoingToDoABaePunBecauseIveAlreadyWrittenTooMuchAboutThisDudeAndHeIsStillTextingMeAskingIfHeCanTakeMeOut. IAmNotPaddyMcGuinessAndThisIsNotAPrimeTimeDatingShow. NoLikeyNoLighty. Ya’ll can re-read his story here and here. Mud.Ting.

…then KingBae…aka LostInLustBae…aka Michael BuBae……aka YouWannaBaeStartingSumthing…aka BaesNotHot and the like…

And finally, there was AmericanBae. Mmm.

Let’s focus on AmericanBae. He was a moment. He was a thing that we did when we were bored. You know the story by now.

Boy meets girl at party.

Boy likes girl.

Girl likes boy.

Boy makes a move.

Girl sweeeeerrrrves.

Boy is confused so boy asks the question:

What do you want Stephanie?

What do you want *insert your name here*?

Because at the time, I didn’t know. And it took a guy I barely knew to lift up that proverbial mirror to me and get me to check my heart. Lemme not lie, I was speechless, and that is not a common occurrence for me.

Running away from your brokenness – what do you want?

Running away from your heartbreak – what do you want?

To keep running??

That day, AmericanBae told me about myself and I hated it. I felt so silly, so blind. I couldn’t answer the question “what do you want?” because I didn’t even know the answer.

But I can answer it today – I want my singleness to mean something. I want a mission.

So to all my single ladies who are growing in singleness, own it.

All my single guys who are searching for that someone, respect it.

All my married people who are navigating that commitment, celebrate it. And slyly, if you’re married, I pray that you stay married, encouraging your partner and enjoying every gift married life has to offer. Till death do us part and all that.

But if you’re single, indeed your case is different.


Don’t obsess about marriage – think about the mission. What is Christ trying to work through you during this season?

Now this is just me rambling talking, so let’s ramble talk.

Sit in it. Like, relax into singleness. It’s gonna become a comfy sofa, so rest a little. Yeah, the first few moments may feel a little weird, but you gotta spend some time with yourself – actually chill, don’t be running away.

So Single Peopledem, can I challenge you to stay single until God calls you out of it?

I know that sucks. I mean, who wants to stay single? Ewww.

But what is the rush all about?

Ask yourself: the feelings you have to get married, is that you, or is that someone else?

Some of us are still dealing with those biting remarks from that relative who seems to desire marriage for us more than we do. These times some mothers really do ‘ave ‘em. And some fathers/aunts/uncles/cousins only want an excuse to wear native/tie gele/eat party jollof/shaku on the beat as welllllll….

Some of us are still dealing with those cutting words from that Ex that seem to have shaped all our interactions with the opposite sex ever since.

Some of us have never dated, and have believed the lie that somehow that equates to us being undesirable or unwanted.

Some of us are in denial, thinking we’re ready to blow up the dating scene but the only thing that seems to blow up is our need for attention.

Boo, you is thirsty. No shade though because we got something for that – You needs Jesus.

Take it from me, I’ve been thirsty too. Ohgarsh, the thirst. Seven Baes down and that was some dryness even my lemon water couldn’t quench! But thank God there’s a healing balm in Gilead, cos I heard he’s outchea creating rivers in dry places and offering wellsprings of water to the desperate and needy. See Isaiah 43 and John 4 for more info…

But Steph, that’s nice and all but I’m not desperate, I’m fine.

Ok Sis. Let’s run with that for now. You’re fine yeah? Cool.

But since we are about to close this week’s edition, let’s pretend you weren’t….

Let’s preeeeetennnddd that dating was a form of self-medication. A different person, a different pill to numb the numbness. Because you must have gone dumb numb if you are so out of touch with yourself that you really think that the one thing you are missing right now is a partner.

But hey, you just date away.

You’re fine right? You’re not using guys/girls as a means of massaging your over-inflated under-inflated ego.

And you’re definitely not hungry thirsty bored.

Cool story bro, but let me help you to help you:

Stop praying for marriage and pray for a mission.

Which do you actually want? To be in something? Or to be in His Will?

Please don’t take that in a religious way – marriage is great, don’t ever get me twisted, but I want you to desire more than marriage. Cos if you just want a relationship so you can stunt on the world, trust me, there are plenty of fish – I know a few, I’ll send you their digits – and you can get to fishing.

But if you are looking for mission, i.e. a partnership that reflects Christ-love, let’s change tact. Because God wants to change tact this year.

Trust me. It’s 2019 and God wants to blow your mind. He’s unchaining Himself from your expectations. He’s shocking you back into belief. That means faith is about to rise.

And for some of us, the final frontier is our hearts, our addictions and dependence on people and things outside of Him. Because you know that thing that seemed hopeless and impossible last year? Yeah that – God is doing it.

God is taking off training wheels – tell your faith to jump on – but first what do you want – marriage or a mission?

Until next week…



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