My flesh and my heart faileth: but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion for ever
I’m going to be the first one to say it – I missed this last week.
I hadn’t anticipated that I would have taken a week off my blog after seven weeks of consistent posting, but then again, I’ve never completed seven weeks of consistent blogging before…
I was also surprised at how reflecting on FirstBaeInChrist and that entire episode brought back so many feelings – a cocktail of disappointment and to be quite honest, anger. I thought I was over those feelings, but truth be told, the memory of some aspects of our relationship still drives me to despair.
Because I know how much we went through and how hard it was to let that go.
But hey, this week I’m not about to give myself a break, so I’ve prayed up and I’m hitting you with Red Flag 2 and Red Flag 3.
(If you missed Red Flag 1, it’s okay. I ain’t mad at you boo. Let’s just make friends with our feelings here.
Now savvy readers will note that Red Flags 1-3 are inexplicably linked. No prices for guessing why….
Red Flag 2: Intensely Insecure
This is going to divide the peopledem.
What’s wrong with a little insecurity? We all have it?!
So I’m not actually red flagging the idea of having insecurities (Lord knows I have my own) but it’s more about what these hang-ups drive – an intense and worrying state of insecurity.
You see FirstBaeInChrist taught me lessons, so many important lessonsssss.
Lesson One: I don’t have any business with jealous men. It’s not cute, it’s not complimentary – it’s just long for man.
So post FirstBaeInChrist, I was enjoying every shade of confident man, from Quietly to God’s Gift…
Lesson Two: Male insecurity is a beast I cannot slay. I can just about deal with female insecurity (depending on which way the Holy Spirit wind is blowing, the old dragon gets dealt with on a regular) but if your partner is insecure, you are finished. I am sorry, but insecurity kills relationships.
Because everything becomes about him/her.
He/she will be the first one offended and the last one appeased.
Apologies will lose their meaning, because it will always be something you did before. And before. And before. And did I mention, BEFORE?
And probably the worst thing, he/she will begin to project. Oh yes, that one’s not fun. Projection goes hand in hand with insecurity, and lemme tell you, dealing with body dysmorphia as a 23/24 year old is no fun.
The joke was FirstBaeInChrist had no idea how I was feeling. He didn’t mean to make me feel insecure about myself, and I had no intention of sharing, but little by little, I found myself withering. So I made a decision after FirstBaeInChrist: I’d rather be single than dislike myself just so another person can feel more comfortable. I’m never gonna hate me so you can love you.
Red Flag 3: Hypersensitivity
Oooooooh now I’m dividing the house again with this. I know, I know – trust me, I know – 80% of the people around me are sensitive souls, so I get it. But I actually detest hypersensitivity. Sorry, but it’s true.
I’ll admit, I have form for dismissing genuine sensitivity as heightened hypersensitivity, but boy did I learn quick.
You see, I like sensitive – I think I’m drawn to it in a strange way. The running gag is that I have always attracted sensitive brothers because I need to soften up my edges. But there’s a line – and hypersensitive people do not take things lightly at alllll. No bueno.
I realised a long time ago that I am way too goofy to take myself so seriously. I like laughing at myself, I like laughing at other people, so chips on shoulders get eroded pretty fast.
But what happens when a person is hypersensitive?
Well, best case, they don’t take jokes.
Worst case, they adopt the most convenient form of victim mentality, and they find a way to frame the conversation around themselves.
Sis, it will drain you.
Bro, it will irritate you.
Trust me, if you’re the type of person who tends to make excuses and look for the non-vexatious reasoning, it will extinguish that too.
Before I end, I wanna share two quick stories with you…
1.Last week I walked into a banister, but in my eagerness to get to work, I put it out of my mind and kept moving. It was only later that day that I realised I had actually cut myself – now it wasn’t a gaping hole but it drew blood, because when I say I “walked into a banister”, what I mean is “my hip slammed into it”. Yeah, I walk a liiiiiiiiiiittle bit too fast.
My Deputy Director was concerned because I had been walking with a slight wince all morning, but I was content to stick two plasters on it and keep it moving….for like 2 hours….then I just went home.
Now for the entire week, it was hurting and I kinda just got used to it, until today when I looked at the scar and saw that it had actually healed….
2.When I was much younger, I used to have nosebleeds in the winter. Each time it happened, either my mum or my dad would sit me down and dote on me. It was only for like 30-40mins, and was quite infrequent, but in those moments, my siblings used to jealous me.
Children are so interesting – you wanna jealous parental attention but you won’t jealous the nosebleed, no? Can you jus’ siddown derrrrr Eventually, my nose would stop bleeding and I’d be back to my normal shenanigans, never really appreciating the attention lavished on me…
So why am I telling you this? Do we really need to know fragments of Stephanie’s medical history – erm, relevance?
I share because, for someone reading, this is YOU.
You’ve cut yourself and you’re not about receiving medical attention. God’s saying He wants to dress your wounds but you still want to firm it and throw a plaster on. It still hurts, but you’ve developed coping strategies. Why?
Everyday this week, I’ve been collating lessons that I feel God has been teaching me at work. You see, God has a lot to tell us, but we just find it hard to
hear discern it shut up and listen.
He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds.
So on this lovely Friday, God reminded me of this verse, and He wanted me to share it with the person still holding in the pain.
He wants to dress that wound and just lavish love on you, because healing is available.
These times He’s The Healing Balm of Gilead – He’s ready to dress it…if you’ll let Him of course…
Until next week…and don’t worry, I heard the Spirit say “welcome back” even if you didn’t…