“A man that hath friends must shew himself friendly: and there is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother.”
I wanna begin this week with one story, because stories help me remember, and when I remember, I am reminded that I actually lived this life…
In 2015, a couple – both of whom mean a great deal to me – got married, and FirstBaeInChrist and I were invited to the wedding.
Now me, I like weddings.
I like wedding outfits, I like wedding cake, I like dancing at weddings, I like crying during wedding entrances – I just like weddings joh. So imagine my
shock horror disgust anger vexting surprise when I was told we should leave the wedding early.
FirstBaeInChrist: Babe, it’s getting late…
Me: It’s 8pm…
FirstBaeInChrist: But we have been here since the afternoon. We should go.
FirstBaeInChrist: Babe you know I don’t like dancing…
Me: Yeah but it’s a wedding….?
the Uncle FirstBaeInChrist actually had us leave the wedding early. Why? Because he felt uncomfortable dancing in front of people he didn’t know despite the fact that 70% of the attendees were from our local church and he was upset that I had left the table to go and dance on the dancefloor….with people…..how dare I…
SoooOOOooOoooooOoooOOOo we are on to the third part of ‘6 Red Flags’, but let’s recap:
Red Flag 1: Jealousy aka GEL-LO-SEE. Not cute.
Red Flag 2: Intensely Insecure. Not needed.
Red Flag 3: Hypersensitivity. Not in this lifetime.
As I get into Red Flag 4, lemme throw a little pre-cursor on it: I like people, and by God’s grace, people tend to like me
but for those who have been following the blog, that hasn’t always been a good thing…
Now in liking “people”, I’ve always been drawn to the same kind of guy. You know the type, funny, charismatic bruthas who have more confidence than is necessary and seem to be the life of the paarryy.
Listen o, being a social butterfly is tiring, eventually the babe wants find her butterfly mate and just settle…
That was my “type”, or so I thought, and I tend not to like deviation, but in my first relationship as a proper Christian, I overlooked my 4th Red Flag…
Red Flag 4: Loneliness
Oooook, this is a mean one, but lemme give you all the pearly wisdom in one line: Don’t date lonely.
Oh yesso. That’s for my bruthas and Sistas.
If your partner is lonely, you should be scared boo. Because lonely people will suffocate you with two things: their clinginess or their callousness.
Proverbs said it best – a man who has many friends must show himself friendly, and I’m sorry to say, some of us ain’t got it.
Shade alert: FirstBaeInChrist didn’t have it.
As I said in my Red Flags 1 and Red Flags 2 posts, FirstBaeInChrist peppered me, and taught me one of the realest lessons: a man with no friends is a sad man indeed, and one of the most worrying things I realised about my ex-partner, was he actually did not have any friends.
Which fed into his jealousy….and his insecurity…and his hypersensitivity…
The strange thing was, I thought he did. Boy was I in for a shock. Wowu.
He sold himself as a similar somebody to me, with a healthy social life, and interests. But on discovery that he and I were not in the same boat, I genuinely thought I could resolve it for him.
I mean, here I was, with more friends than you could shake a stick at – surely I could teach him my ways, or at least borrow some to him??
Like, I had tried to coax him out of himself, but I failed miserably. My pleas for us to go on double-dates with mutual friends always fell through. You see, he preferred to be in the company of couples, and those who read my previous blogs will understand why. He just couldn’t connect with people like me, or so he told me. He was a homely kinda person, or so he said.
I had tried to get him acquainted my own friends, but he wasn’t comfortable. Young single guys couldn’t be trusted – they always had an ulterior motive, I heard – and as for my single girlfriends, I had to be careful there too – I mean, there was a reason many of them were single you know…
I had tried to get him to reconcile with the only BFF he had ever known, he didn’t want it. That guy had broken trust by not standing by him when life got challenging, and it was too late to get the friendship back.
Now I know some of you are reading this thinking “Stephanie, what were you drinking/smoking/*insert verb here*”, but I genuinely didn’t register the issues. I just saw it as quirks – but above that, I believed him.
I believed that he was just a simple introvert who couldn’t make friends easily.
So what did he do? He tried to get me to Lonelyville too.
He wanted to spend all his time with Stephanie, and he found the most convenient ways to get me to reduce my social life.
And that’s when the penny began to drop, because I can be many things in life, but lonely and friendless – mi cahnt ‘ave it.
So this week, in this short post, I want you to consider whether your partner’s loneliness is actually more than a prayer point.
Like, no joke – does he/she actually have friends?
Or are you making excuses for him/her?
Are you finding yourself defending their lack of interaction?
I’m not talking about being sociable here – do they actually enjoy the company of others?
Because I won’t lie, lonely people can kill your joy – I don’t want that for you – and if the only healthy friendship he/she has is the one you both enjoy within your relationship, are you sure you want to entertain it?
Until next week… #DontDateLonely