Buzz. Buzz. BUZZZZzzzZZZzzzZzZzZzzZzzz.
I picked up the phone and read the banner :
Stephanie’s Six Months of (Enjoying) Singleness Ends.
*No lie, this was an actual notification that popped up on my phone. I have Receipts lol. If you don’t believe me, check my Calendar appointments bro…
So remember at the start of the year when I told you guys that I was doing “Single Season”?
Remember how excited I was, how Independent Woman Part 1 I was?
How Me, Myself and I meets Best Thing I Never Had I was?
Ok no mo’ Beyonce references lol.
How I was just dusting shoulder cos I was demonstrating SO much self-control?
Remember how you
laughed giggled rolled your eyes gave a strong thumbs up?
Hmmm. Listennnnnn that quit early.
No you didn’t misread that LOL. Let me repeat: that arrogant pride I was operating in handed in her notice earlier this year and got to steppin’. She quit early yooooo. And I was kinda lost.
You see all I had was my pride. Yeah, course I was convinced that I was supposed to take some time to be by myself. In fact, I would say that it was God ordained. But I didn’t rest in that. I had built a lot of security around being this self-assured singleton, the chick who was “single but not tryna mingle”, AKA Single Babe Of Life (SBOL). Lolums.
But tbh, tryna do SBOL is difficult. Mi sed its haaaaaaaaard.
And not because singleness is hard, but more because trying to force yourself to change your own pattern of behaviour is tough stuff. And boy have I had some very
damaging strange interesting patterns of behaviour.
Between me and you, I was going to make a really big mistake earlier this year. In fact, I very nearly made a mistake that would have cost me this blog, because integrity means something to me (Hi again Pride!) and although you dear Reader would never have known about it (unless I started doing confession on the post *shivers*), reputation damage is a bit sticky…
The long and short of it is that I didn’t make the mistake, but I realised that I am not as strong as I first thought.
I am not nearly as disciplined, I don’t have as much self-control as I imagine and I can be pretty naive.
So I need to keep an eye on my pride and quit being so legalistic about things, so binary. The running gag in our family is that I only see things in black or white – “Stephanie doesn’t recognise grey spaces”.
But my near miss taught me something – the Bible wasn’t joking when it said “let he who thinks he stands take heed less he fall. I’m paraphrasing sis, but you get the point.
So onwards and upwards…