6 Set me as a seal upon thine heart, as a seal upon thine arm: for love is strong as death; jealousy is cruel as the grave: the coals thereof are coals of fire, which hath a most vehement flame.
7 Many waters cannot quench love, neither can the floods drown it: if a man would give all the substance of his house for love, it would utterly be contemned.
-Song of Solomon 8:6-7 KJV
Guess who’s back???!!!
Guys, it has been a minute and a half!
I’ve been taking a looooooooooooong break to enjoy life and just get back to basics, but we are back and I am going to be giving this blog a lot more welly.
So please bear with me while I get back to my blogging.
Over the next few weeks and months, I am going to be tackling some of the questions that I get about dating, and as always, Imma keep it real.
Can’t promise you too much, but trust me when I say you will get the truth with a dollop of love ❤ #Encouragement
Always correcting, ever gracious.
Question: Steph, how do I know if it is real love vs infatuation?
Okkkkkkayyyyyyy. So I wanted to tackle a question that I think many of us have had to deal with in dating and relationships: are we actually in love with the person we are seeing, or is it something else? And by “something else“, I mean much, much less – infatuation.
Let me start by saying that one of my favourite books on dating is a book called Sacred Search by Gary Thomas. I will probs do a book review on it later in the blog, cos chiiiiiiild, that book slapped me, then hugged me, then slapped me again. I fully recommend it lol
Now Uncle Gary defined infatuation as “An intense but short-lived passion or admiration for someone or something”. Apazza, it is a real problem for a majority of singles, lasts up to 18 months and is the reason you start idealising qualities in your partner that actually doesn’t exist. We’ve all been there right? Riiiiiiight??!
Some of you looking like you can’t relate, right? Okay hunnay, but these times every relationship that you’ve been in has been an infatuation but anywhoos…
Personally, I think every relationship has an element of infatuation in it, especially in the beginning/early days.
You know them ones when you connect with someone for the first time and it’s all fireworks and fun times. Everyday is a party because you just gel. You just have so much chemistry, the dude got you feeling all the feelings but the trick is to actually get to feeling love.
I’m not @’ing anyone’s dating history btw, but your first boyfriend/girlfriend was mos’ def’ infatuation, doesn’t matter who was leading the charge.
But don’t take my word for it.
Let’s do a quick thought experiment: the first person you ever liked – what did you like about them? And how long did that last??? I’ll wait…
And no sis, don’t tell me about the boy you had a crush on in year 4. My friend, that one does not carry.
Let’s talk your high school/secondary school crush, shall we? You know, the guy you were checking for after your Psychology lesson? Yes you. Youuuuuuuuuu. Let’s talk that guy. Don’t @ me.
We have all been infatuated with someone in our lives, and looking back, it’s quite cute. Sincerely cute and innocent, just a naïve kind-of attraction. Who doesn’t love that?
But real talk, ain’t no one tryna marry their teenage crush, just sayin’.
No shade if you did though – you do you boo! – but I don’t think us unmarried people need to be marrying idealised versions of their perfect partner. Note to Self: He/she doesn’t exist and if you carry on looking for Mr/Mrs Perfect, you’ll end up as Mr/Mrs Highly Disappointed.
So how do we tell if what we are feeling is love or something lesser?
Here are a few things that I learnt. Imma start with five this week and five next week. Don’t wanna overwhelm anyone tonight, ah ah! I’ve only just come back lol.
Sidenote, don’t ask how I know this. Just know that I went through all these stages with an Ex. You know them ones when you are having a post-break up autopsy and you start putting together all the broken pieces that led to the demise of the relationship and you figure out that you might not have been in love love….anyway sha, let’s be going…
1. Infatuation is sudden, Love is gradual. This is kinda the key indicator that you are not in love Homeslice, probs just infatuation, if not physical lust. That sharp emotion that comes from nowhere and just takes you over? Yep, that’s that infatuation right thurrrrr.
2. Infatuation is highly emotional, Love is faithfully consistent. Hmmm. Shall we talk about this one? Alright, let’s. I remember a few years ago, I was dating a guy I thought could do no wrong. I thought he was so perfect, as if butter couldn’t melt. That was a lie – he actually sucked. Not that he was a bad guy, but he did what any another person would do in the situation: he took advantage of the fact that I was really into him and he slacked. So where did that leave me? A ball of emotion. Highly irritable, always getting into arguments and nit-picking. Not wanting to be in a relationship with him but not wanting to be apart from him either. It took a whole other year to break the cycle when I finally locked things off. Did I know I was infatuated? Of course not. Did people try to tell me? Yep. Did I listen? Of courseeeeeeeeeeeee not. Sis, Bro, this is me telling you. Emotional tings – dead it.
3. Infatuation is idealistic, Love is realistic. So this goes back to what I was saying earlier about looking for perfect. You can’t be looking at a person with half your eye. No one is perfect – not me, not you, not anyone. Infatuation lies to you and says that the person you are seeing is all that and a bag of chips. He ain’t. I mean, he’s cool and that. Looks good, smells good, talks good, but perfect he ain’t. He’s not the best with animals or he stays putting too much oil/salt/sugar in his food. Or maybe he does that thing where he leaves the toilet seat up. Idk what the matter is but I can believe it’ll be annoying. Can we admit that the person we are looking at might be more annoying that we would care to admit?
4. Infatuation is based on a feeling, Love is based on a commitment. This is a really easy one guys. If you ask me “how do I know if he/she loves me?”, I would ask you back “is he/she willing to commit?” A failure to commit usually indicates an absence of love. Don’t watch me, watch yo’ kids…
5. Infatuation is weakened by separation, Love is strengthened by separation. Awwwwww cute right? Mmmmmmmm no. Guys, infatuation looks like that irritated feeling I was talking about earlier. It doesn’t do well with being alone. It get’s grumpy, it loses it’s temper. It’s irate, it’s selfish. Your separation from your babes shouldn’t be weakening your relationship. It should be growing it. If you are finding that separation and space is damaging your relationship, maybe it”s not the kind of relationship you need. Maybe it’s that infatuation.
And that’s where we will leave it for now guys. Let’s chew that over. That and the scripture posted above from Song of Solomon 8.
Next week, part 2…