Another week, another challenge from Yours Truly and I wanna give you some advice from your sis: Please don’t jump into dating anyhow and anyone when lockdown unlocks.
Nahhhhhhh. Give it a rest.
I know your heart is tired from these boys trying to turn to men in front of your eyes.
I know your mind is over the lies.
I know you don’t want to be disappointed.
Love, and the search for it, is full of excitement, right, but it can also be a very lonely game.
And who hasn’t felt lonely over the past few weeks and months?
Who hasn’t missed company and social interactions?
Who hasn’t felt like the weight of lockdown has thrown a massive weight on tried and tested friendships, so much so that old friends may now feel like new followers, commenting on the most mundane activities in our new-normal lives.
Oh yes, life can feel hella lonely in lockdown…..but that’s not an excuse to get back with any Past Villains. Yes VILLAINS – certain man have been moving mad Anti. You know those guys that just seem to be the Antagonists in that great rom-com called Your Life. Wuh mi seh? Villains mi seh!
Oh yes. Oh yessssss. You heard me last time, but hear me again – there’s still a few people we need to watch out for and avoid during these remaining days until the end of lockdown and even beyond.
We did The Non-Christian already, and we did The Non-Committer but if you didn’t catch it, exit stage right and have a read here and here. (You’re welcome 😊)
But for those of us who have already been on the journey, here’s the recap – Three men to avoid during lockdown babygehls:
- The Non-Christian
- The Non-Committer
- The Blast From The Past
Today we are looking at number three: The Blast From The ACTUAL Past
Oh yes, ladies, beware the brudda from your History tab.
That guy who we thought was confined to the annals of our deepest darkest diaries, ohhhhh he’s back – and with gumption. Gumption – I love that word lol.
Now everyone’s blast from the past will look different.
Personally, mine is an Ex-Partner.
Yours may be a former flame, an Ex, a past bf or a guy who was trying to get to know you but maybe it fizzled out.
Some of y’alls blast from the past is actually a guy you met during the 1st lockdown, but the less said about that one the better. You know them imaginary romances there, when you are just trying make small small love and happiness happen but the guy was not it at alllllll, bare messages, unnecessary convos, all born out of boredom LOOOOOOL. Don’t @ me, @ your dating history innit. You people do ittttt.
We all have guys we used to know right, I’m not even judging.
Some of us are still in contact with them lol – others, not so much.
But Stephanie, what’s wrong with the Blast From My Past?
Honestly, a lot. An absolute lot. Like EVERYTHING.
Disclaimer, I’ve not done the data, I’m just working off my experience and the observed experiences of others, but it doesn’t uuuuuuuuuusually end well. If I ask 50 girls and 50 guys who took back an Ex whether it was the right move, I don’t anticipate good news you know. And that’s not because they didn’t have Good News – that’s because it was a wrong move.
One thing I’ve noticed through living and observation is that men from our past hold parts of us that we need to let go, but more than that, parts that God is instructing us to let go.
Pick an Ex, any Ex. What was he to you?
Your first love?
First kiss?
First time?
Whichever it was, it was a strong memory, and it’s probably something you still carry whether you like it or not.
Like I said earlier, for me, my Blast From The Past is always an Ex, in fact, one particular Ex who kept coming back around.
You know the type.
Confident, unnecessarily so.
Cocky, to the point of irritation.
But charming, to a ridiculous degree.
Let me take you back in time to when I first discovered my Blast From The Past and set some context…
When we originally met in 2017, he was my rebound. I had kinda had a massive blowout with my boyfriend at the time and things were just ugly.
I was so tired of dating boys, so tired of disappointing myself and I realise now, that I was caught in a cycle of depression.
I was really depressed and not liking myself much. I have never felt as lonely as I did in 2017, in which my loneliness was palpable. I was everywhere, doing everything, doing the most as usj, but in my hearts, just so so empty and no one knew.
And that was my normal – because I present well, so my public persona was one of joy and fulfilment, but on the inside, I felt horrible and hollow.
And here comes this guy, from nowhere, and swept me off my feet.
He did everything for me that I wanted but didn’t offer me anything I actually needed.
It would almost be a superpower if it wasn’t so toxic, and it was toxic, because he’d always pop up at the most random times in my life, when I was feeling really tired and low and empty and offer me a release. Depressed girls meeting so-called Dream Guys never works. You gotta sort out the self-hate and depression first.
I call him Toxic Superman. His Clark Kent was so soooo good, and his Superman was….mmmm. It worked lol.
Looking back on it, I should have known. The Bible says that even the devil is gwarning like an angel of light, so I doubt devils disguised as dapper men would be a hard feat. I should’ve known better, and real talk, inside I did, but I didn’t do any better.
I remember the Holy Spirit giving me a dream about him and I took it light.
Oh, how foolish that was.
I remember praying about him and whether we could work and getting radio silence but telling myself that that wasn’t a bad thing……I mean, just because God hasn’t answered, doesn’t mean He’s said no……..He’s just…..telling me to wait……….and……I can still go out to eat with him while I wait……I mean, a girl’s gotta eat right???
Wrong. I was very wrong.
So this is my warning alarm to any sister who is feeling tired during this lockdown and is looking for a way out. Lemme tell you quick – a man is not gonna do it my sis. A man could neverrrrr.
Your Blast From The Past wants to. Oh yes hunnnnty. Give him half the chance and he would take it.
But no. Don’t entertain it. I don’t even care what he looks like, sounds like, smells like – it’s garbage. It is actually is trash.
But I do care what you feel like.
My sis, if you’re lonely today and you feel like you need some good loving post-lockdown, don’t get that from him, biko. The thing he’s giving you ain’t love, it’s attention and that’s different.
If you want comfort, let’s get it from the Comforter.
If we need friendship, let it be from those who know us and love us. Our Heart Friends ❤ – you know the ones, the ones who have been riding since day, the ones who stick closer than a bro or sis, and no matter the number of lockdowns, the ones that are perpetually in your corner to lift you and love you through your multiple dramas. Do you get? I’m a Heart Friend and I know my species lol – real recognises real an’ all that.
And for those who have been looking forward to the 21st June like a Crim fresh out the gulag, mi a leff, tek time please.
We are going through such a trying time, and just because we’ve been living in isolation, doesn’t mean we should revert back to old behaviours and in some cases, old bedposts. Nah, we aint been locked up inside all this time for that shawty.
Spiritually, lockdown has been our reset and I know a few of us have thrived.
A time to refocus and set our heart’s gaze on the things and purposes of God.
It’s been a time of God restoring old dreams and establishing new ones.
It’s been a good way of getting back to the Word, returning to pure worship and all the other things that bring us closer to the Almighty.
For some people, that has meant checking foundations and seeing what we have actually built on.
Was it Christ?
Was it Church?
What is yourself??
Whichever it was, we’ve check and rechecked, we’ve tested and retested and now we good.
Ok brill. Don’t flop on release tho, because it wasn’t just when I was in my low place that my Blast From The Past came back around.
In fact, it’s both sad and shocking that I allowed him back in 2019 when I was on a high. I was in a good place spiritually, emotionally and personally – my happy place, loving myself, feeling filled up with God.
So why? Why did I allow him back? I haven’t got a reason other than I was just naïve and I hadn’t learned my lesson. I believed his whole schitck about being different. Has anyone been there before? Cos I was there and I genuinely thought that this could be God doing a redemptive work through our relationship somehow, blah blah blahhh. He wasn’t. It wasn’t. It didn’t.
So I want you all to learn from 2017 and 2019 me, and if you haven’t learnt your lesson, learn mine.
Whether you feel on a high spritually during lockdown, or whether you have been riding the lowest of low feelings, please don’t use that as a excuse to jump back in with an Ex, Past Villain, Toxic Superman or whatever you call his name.
Just wait.
Trust God.
Get on with your process.
If you haven’t already, commit to a Single Season until God calls you out of one.
Stop measuring your success in terms of relationships/marriage.
Stop measuring your success in terms of money/squilla.
Stop measuring your success in terms of your career, where you are or where you ain’t.
Stop measuring yourself by the unattainable yet avoidable standards of social media – the transient, the temporal and the temporary.
And stop being so hard on yourself. It’s lazy, discompassionate and uncalled for. You don’t deserve that.
I have been there – I’ve had it, but do you know what I have learnt? The greatest success in my life is a consistent walk with Christ.
I can get more money, more promotions, more influence, more prestige and an amazing boyfriend/husband to boot, but nothing comes close to THAT feeling of being in a good place with The Father.
So do your work. Avoid that Tasmanian-Devil-looking-Blast-From-The-Past and work on the thing that actually resembles success, not just what you think it is. You won’t regret it.
DO YOUR WORK SIS – and let God do His.
Until next week…..
SS x
PS – Seriously tho, I will actually post next week looool.
PPS – Next week marks Loneliness Awareness Week so it’s more than a blog today, it’s something to get you thinking about someone who may be feeling a bit lost and alone. You might know him/her. They’ve stopped keeping in touch. They’ve fallen out of a few group chats and you hardly see them online. If you know someone who is struggling alone, find out how you can support them here. If it’s you, let’s talk.
Stephanie Speaks On 