It’s week two, post two and we are going to continue this week with another lesson.
In this week’s post, I want to focus on a few things I have learnt from not just my marriage, but from what I’ve learnt from reading, researching and observation.
Call it the Prince Harry effect, cos in the week that Prince Harry launched his tell-all account of fisticuffs with his brother and falling into dog bowls etc, I’ve been thinking,”just when you think you have problems, at least you ain’t got Royal Family problems and for that let’s thank God“.
I shouldn’t compare family dramas, but a man really said that my brother ripped my shirt, ripped my necklace and pushed me into a dog bowls. Boyyyyyyyyy the levels are really levelling. Certain mans favourite Prince is going out sad.
Please note, I don’t want to put anyone off
or maybe I do, if you’re planning on marrying the wrong person. You know I love love. But love is work and love is a risk. Take it well.
Below are three things marriage won’t fix for you.
I’ve purposely not put answers or solutions to these issues.
I want you to do your own work.
I want you to think, pray and reflect.
Not everything written here will apply to you, and that’s fine, but y’all know me from long time, and if you want my advice, it is always the same, in every situation lol.
Forgive yourself privately.
Forgive others publicly.
Get help from a trusted/qualified/experienced person.
Commit to changing yourself and not others.
And an apology only hurts your pride, so own your errors and remain accountable. Now, back to those three pesky things…
1. Marriage will (NOT) fix questionable behaviours.
This is probably the only “thing” that I will make small small joke about, but people of God, pleaseeee let me just say, all the questionable behaviours that your partner exhibits before marriage will still be questionable after you marry you know.
We all have quirks and curious or odd habits which can actually be cute, but some thing are a little bit hmmmm. Now, you ask, what are those things? What is questionable really?
You tell me.
A man who struggles to introduce you as his babes when you are dating can’t be expected to introduce you as his wife when you’re married.
It’s not about terms of endearment babes, it’s about respecting da ting and he don’t rate yours hannay. You’re just Small Chops and he’s pick you up, put you down or pass you around let any packet of Olu Olu plantain chips you know.
A woman who hasn’t as much as offered you a ham and cheese sarnie when you’ve dropped her home can’t be expected to offer you fresh Ogbonna soup when you marry.
I’m not saying that the cooking skills are dead and I’m not saying that the ability to chef it up in the kitchen ain’t there, I’m saying the hospitality genes are not strong in this one. Thank me now or thank me later, either way save your bellyache.
A babes who has never suggested or led you to pray for anything in your existing relationship can’t be expected to join you on the mountain for 40 days and 40 nights.
Biko keep that fasting life to yourself abeg abeg. Ah ah! Is it because they said they like going to church, you thought they were about that life? These times every time you say let’s pray, they say “you first”. LOL I’m not saying they can’t pray, I’m just saying that you should round it up the prayers after you zimme looool….
I actually shouldn’t be laughing because some of the questionable behaviours aren’t even your partner’s, it’s yours.
If you struggle with boundaries today, don’t think marriage will fix am.
You still think Jerry the Gym Guy is speaking to you because he likes your Nike trainers, and now he’s offering to help you improve your form for Deadlifts. Soon he’ll be asking if you want to swap protein shake recipes. These times he’s built like a 4×4 Range Rover and you’ve literally been going to the gym for 12 days and you still don’t remember your login. But you think he befriended you for your gym knowledge LOL. Oh you people do itttttt.
If you are struggling to manage to turn up for work/meetings/responsibilities on time, don’t think marriage will fix am.
As in, you hate your 9-5 so much, you’ve become Moaning Moana, but you too lazy to leave, so you stay and complain. These times, the only reason your boss hasn’t fired you is because no one else wants your job mate. God will really help us.
If you are still asking your babes to show you their ClearScore but they keep making excuses, don’t think marriage will fix am.
You still think they work for that company you can never remember. These times they keep finding new ways to leave their Monzo debit card at home so you end up paying for the food, shopping, coffee, petrol, *insert couples expenses here*. These times, mobile banking is actually a thing, so your head’s telling you that your babes isn’t in natural or regular employment, but you wanna believe that they are due for promotion at that whatddyacall it place. Okkkaaaydennnn.
Ok let me just laugh small. Questionable behaviours doesn’t start with the big, bad and ugly; it’s the things that make you uncomfortable. Some are funny, some not so.
The lack of male/female friends.
The oversubscription of males/females in her/his contact list.
The lack of male mentors in his life or women mentors in hers.
The ability to recite all five seasons of Power to you but the inability to recall the last good book they read.
Oh but they told you they don’t like reading? Nah, they read, trust me they just don’t read if they ain’t at paying them. When their manager sends them a performance related email extending their probation one more month, they read it o. When EE tell them that the iPhone14 bill is overdue, that one they read ooo. Everyday it’s Ghost this and Ghost that. My friend, unless this show is paying you to review their episodes, please invest in your development small.
The fact they seem to change church every time the Pastor mentions a prayer vigil.
Let me not start….
The fact you’ve passed 100 homeless men and women in the street and you’ve never seen them give a £1 to anyone.
Miss me with that ungenerous spirit tho…
The way she speaks to her mother.
The way he speaks about his father.
The way they speak to you.
The way they speak about you.
In the same way marriage can’t fix cheaters, abusers, liars and thieves, it won’t fix all the other things. Ask yourself if you want a piece of that questionable behavior first.
2. Marriage will (NOT) fix self esteem issues
This is in no particular order, but one of the main things marriage will not fix is your self esteem, self confidence, self love or self hatred issues.
A 2017 global study of teenage girls illustrated that nine out of ten girls in the UK with low body esteem said they avoided meeting friends and family or trying out for a team or club. So the social impact of low self esteem is felt from a young age and impacts on more than romantic relationships as we grow older, it affects how we do life in general.
Nowadays, we as young women and young men are more likely to struggle with poor body image, anxiety, depression, stress, shame, guilt and suicidal thoughts and ideation.
This is bigger than marriage and dating – this speaks to the pressure that so many people are living under and influenced by, and unfortunately social media, mainstream media and society as a whole has not helped. The pressure to conform to an image of success, beauty, riches, femininity, masculinity and dare I say it, Christianity? It’s overwhelming and people are drowning.
Add on top of that, not feeling loved, not feeling accepted, feeling lost, feeling disillusioned and purposeless. We have a generation of people struggling with direction, so God help us if we expect to be led in marriage when we’ve never felt led in our lives.
Part of being single and enjoying your singleness as a believer is letting Him anchor you in the midst of stagnant cycles.
Do you remember your drowning seasons when everything was just overwhelming?
Do you remember the day you felt abandoned, like no one cared?
And do you remember the Hand that pulled you out of many deep waters?
The Owner of Our Souls, The Anchor of Our Salvation. Marriage won’t fix your Christian depression. Your only remedy is healing from the scars mentioned above, irrespective of who caused them.
So if you are reading this and you have trouble accepting yourself, marriage won’t fix that.
If you are reading this and your boyfriend/girlfriend/partner struggles with self forgiveness, marriage to you will not fix that.
I wish I could say that they all heal before the wedding day (they don’t) and I also wish I could say that the process of getting married won’t reopen the wounds you had forgotten (it will) but the reality is, we should aspire to marry men and women who will embrace us and kiss the scars.
Nobody marries finished, complete or perfect.
3. Marriage will (NOT) fix Daddy Issues.
I know right, this is a biggie.
And again, I don’t have any jokes with this one. If you thought body image and self esteem causes problems, just imagine the impact of your daddy issues.
Yes, I said YOURS. Not your partner’s, not your best friend’s, not your neighbour’s. Yours hunnay. Catch that h’okkkkhayyy.
Guaranteed, every single person on earth has Daddy Issues, or an element of Daddy Issues, to varying degrees and difficulties.
Doesn’t even matter what kind of dad you had – I can guarantee that he left you with issues.
Some of us have had amazing fathers.
Some of us have had appalling fathers and some have not had not-so-bad dads.
Some fathers were super supportive, others were highly critical.
Some fathers have been with us for every major event of our lives; others have avoided any type of emotional engagement with us whatsoever.
Some Dads have left us with questions that only Heaven will answer, whilst other Dads live with us yet fail to answer every question burning on our hearts.
As a woman, but also as a human being, I’ve had to deal with my daddy issues, which I believe shows itself when you get into a relationship, and even more so when you enter marriage.
We all have Daddy Issues, trust me when I say that, but for a lot of us, unless we are extra spiritually mature or extra emotionally intelligent, we won’t know about it until we meet our husbands/wives.
Every circumstance activates a different issue.
The recurring issue that I am discovering, reading and hearing, the one that some Fathers never taught daughters and sons, is that you are perfectly loved.
That you don’t need to search outside for acceptance.
That you are enough, seen, known, cherished. Yes, cherished. That word.
Don’t wait for marriage to teach you that.
The fact that some people reading this have never been told “I love you” from their Fathers, some never heard a compliment that wasn’t linked to their achievements, and others, if we are honest, can’t remember the last time our Fathers gave us a hug. That is haunting, and it’s wrong.
What do we do with that feeling, that disappointment, that shame?
Where do we take it?
To our spouses, who may have had similar broken experiences as the adult children of emotionally damaging parents?
Or may have had healthy experiences from Fathers who bucked the trend and embraced the responsibility of caring for their child’s emotional development rather than allowing their kids to take on caring roles in order to keep them happy.
Perhaps your Father struggled with mental ill health through no fault of his own, which meant he was unable to say and do the things you needed to feel safe and loved.
Or maybe he was just a narcissist. A self-absorbed, obsessed, gaslighting scrub and your mum didn’t clock the signs before she married him. Or maybe she did but she went with him anyway. No judgment, just curious facts.
Either way, both sets of Fathers need forgiveness and your potential/future spouse isn’t a surrogate.
They aren’t meant to give you the love your father didn’t.
If you are struggling with traumatic, toxic or abusive experiences from a father (or mother even), marrying won’t help you. That’s a mad yoke to put a partner under, and one that will either crush them or crush your marriage.
And that’s my three, for now, for this week.
Next week I’ve got three more for part 2, but until then, love always x