The Chronicles of Bae: Shallow

Hey guys,

So week four and I’m a bit late.

I wanted to give a quick overview of what I am learning, what I’ve been reflecting on and some of the changes I’m enjoying encountering going through during marriage.

Today I’m opening up about one of the areas the Holy Spirit is humbling sharpening teaching me to grow in on a regular basis and that’s shallowness.

As Believers, one of the gifts we gain when we receive His Spirit is contentment, absolute satisfaction in the now/today and freedom from shallowness. I wish I could say I learnt this agesssss ago and now I’m a black belt in it and everything, but that would be a lie lol.

But Steph, what has shallowness got to do with marriage and relationships?


Our perspective affects our choices, and that will inevitably affect how we deal with our partners or prospective partners. Shallowness robs us of what we need by fooling us into focusing on what we see.

One of my struggles with behaving in a shallow way was not only the superficial blindness but the inability to think about things seriously, in a considered, careful or measured way.

Shallowness for me has been my far-reaching appetite, wanting what I wanted when I wanted it and not really thinking about whether it was necessary. In my case, my consumption went beyond my love for cake and the lockdown pounds I found in 2020-2021 lol but it was the days when I used to consume and consume, buy and buy again, until I was overwhelmed not only by the things I bought, but by the cost associated with acquiring those items.

Sometimes that cost was the pounds I spent, other times it was the time it took me to go out and purchase, but on some occasions, it was actual debt, as in my student overdraft, credit cards and Buy Now Pay Later. Seriously, who invented BNPL?? That thing was just the bane of my world during the early pandemic…!!

And I’m saying “me”, cos I don’t wanna point fingers, but can we talkkk?

Like, that shallow spirit is actually a spirit, causing us to attribute so more importance on so little.

If I only I had that job.

If I only I had that house.

If I only I had that car.

If I only I had that partner.

If I only I had that ring.

If I only I had that life.

Like, insert desirable thing here, it still doesn’t make us happy.

It usually makes us some many other things.

Conceited? Yes.

Ungrateful? Probably.

Shallow? Absolutely.

But happy? Not a chance.

But can we talkkkk, because sometimes we don’t even think about it as an issue.

Nobody thinks about being consumeristic but the number of trainers we accumulate in our bedroom – still kept in pristine their boxes – paints a different picture. Nothing wrong with clean trainers btw lol but these times you wear the same three trainers to everything and everywhere. Who you fooling B?

Nobody thinks about being materialistic but the fact you spend more on handbags and holidays than you do on anything else in your life is small small problems. By now you have more handbags than you have fingers and toes, it’s a bit mad babes.

Nobody thinks about being shallow, speak less of admitting it to themselves.

So PAUSE – Are you still shallow? But more importantly if you are, are you working on it?

Godliness with contentment is still great gain.

We don’t think of ourselves as worshipping at the idol called stuff, but as my favourite Uncle Dave Ramsey always says, as fallen beings we struggle with a disease called stuff-itis.

We just have waaaayyyyyy too much.

And that doesn’t seem to stop us buying more. And more. And more. And more. And more. And…you get the point.

But where does it come from?

Where does that need to have come from?

I won’t lie, it’s real easy to get caught up in things that sparkle and glitter and jingle and gleam but I realised something as I was preparing to get married, a lot of the possessions that brought me joy in one phase of my life, no longer brings me any type of joy today. Period.

Like, quick demo – genuinely evaluate some of the purchases you have made over the past 3, 6, 12 months (if you can’t recall what you have bought over the past few weeks and months, I am shook it’s worse than we thought it’s ok, please consult your banking apps) and think – does this bring you joy?

What function does it play in your life?

Have you touched it recently?

Worn it?

Used it?

Enjoyed it?

Does this still bring you joy? Is it still bringing joy?

Now before you LOL at me for presuming that items in your wardrobe should/can bring you joy, let’t just remember the feeling you had when you hit “BUY” online. Or the smile on your face when the cashier handed you your items with/without a receipt. Was that joy?

We move on from purchases to possessions so quickly, I don’t think we always remember when we last used the thing we loved.

But it’s still sitting there…

Gathering dust…

That item you told yourself you would buy when you made it/had the money/got the time/it came back in stock….

And now you’ve moved past that phase, but you haven’t move past the item. So we hold on to the idea of it…

No lie, we need to grow. The things that brought me joy at 21 is not bringing me joy at 31 bruh.

There are things in your life you need to reevaluate.

There are things in your life you need to dash.

The things that brought you joy at 25 probs won’t bring you joy at 35.

But hold ornnnnnn. Lemme slow down before the Brand Brigade arrive: biko there’s nothing wrong with nice things or wanting nice things, but don’t forget your priorities in life.

Life is full of people, and dare we admit it, we are sometimes those people, who want the nice things in life – but at what cost?

You don’t need to look rich.

You don’t need to appear happy.

You don’t need the appearance of success.

And you also don’t need what Adam and Eve have been showing off. Forget Adam and Eve. They’ve got their own problems trust meeeee lol

Crave the real. Desire the true. And get past the shallow phase.

Imagine you are moving home: you take time to look at all of your worldly possessions. You wash, clean, iron, steam and dry clean all the clothes you can. You wrap, stack, fold and box all the items you can carry. You label what’s what and what needs to go where upon arrival.

And then you’re left with a pile of extras.

Some of it, things you didn’t even know you had.

Some of it, things you haven’t used in a while.

Other items, let’s be real, you ain’t even opened. Yep, we’ve all gotten those dodgy gifts that we can quite place in our lives because it doesn’t really fit, but cos it was a gift we don’t wanna throw it away cos that would be rude right?

But how about we cut back?

Sell some things.

Gift some things.

Give away the rest.

And when you cannot do any of the above, recycle or throw it in the bin. Note I didn’t say swap. I like Swap Parties but I’m the kinda person who would end up with more than I came with, so I limit myself by not getting involved to begin with – accumulating more is always a no for me.

I’ve been guilty of buying things that I don’t really need and then wondering why I have so little space lol.

I’m also a recovering hoarder but by the grace of God and by the help of a good husband, I’m hoarding less lol By fire and by actual force.

Part of me wants to Marie Kondo my entire life and jump on this minimalist lifestyle, but that’s probs a bit too extreme for me and it might be for you too.

Note to self – don’t get rid of everything.

I believe in self love and self care.

Naturally, I love nostalgia, sentimentality and keeping things forever but I’m learning to appreciate the simpler life.

I also love the idea of buying the quality “stuff” I need but not all of the stuff all of the time.

I’m not so good at the KonMari method but I wish I could be lol. It’s inspirational and aspirational. The minimalist life is actually life if you can commit to it lol.

But I do the bits I can, and I stick to doing things a little less.

Less telling myself “I need another….”

Less telling myself “I should get it before it’s gone…”

Less telling myself that “it’s a purchase for the future…” That one actually hurts cos I’ve brought every item you can imagine, all under the guise that I will make use of it “one day”. Like can we talkkkkkk? The wasted money is not even funny loool

That’s not to say I won’t purchase what I like. I do – and by all means you should too – but that’s after I’ve sold, given away or disposed of the things I currently have that I don’t need.

It’s my release from the spirit of shallow – actually thinking through purchases and resisting the impulsive splurges. It’s not perfect and Lord knows it’s not the easiest, but we will get there.

Next week, new post.

Until then…



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