The Chronicles of Bae – The Confession

Now, I have already discussed in earlier blogs that the only thing distracting me from God has been me running away from a loving and Good Good Father, into the arms of a new Bae because shock horror, men have been a medicine for me.

So I kinda came out this week and made a confession, and said that I was struggling with my single season. But not just that – I actually admitted that I was sick of being single, and I feel like I want to could fall into a relationship so easy. Actually, Flesh Stephanie was over being single weeks ago and she was teetering on the edge of considering one new guy who has shown an interest because Flesh Stephanie feels like singleness is a prison sentence and she finna get early release but The Spirit has not yet acknowledged her appeal to the Parole Board.

Funnily enough, I didn’t think that I had said anything provocative, but the response I got told me different:

“Stephanie you really disappointed me, because you inspired me to be single.”

Huhh?

Oh yes.

One of my friends told me that she was disappointed in me, but more than that, she was taken aback because my determination to be single actually inspired her to give it a try. And note to self – she doesn’t even read my blog! I just turned up one week and announced to the ladies that I am going to be entering single season and will not be coming out until God brings me out. And now here I was, just two months later and I wanna tap out.

Two months?? Steph, you’ve been single for like 5 mins!

No – I have been single for 876,000 minutes but who’s counting…… *cries*

Why am I saying this guys?

To discourage you? Not at all.

To make you feel sorry for me? Not on your life.

But for the same reason I started this blog – Accountability Bro/Sis!

It’s Good Friday and I wanted to bring you good news – the good news is I am not perfect – and that is fine because neither are you! And guess what – God doesn’t expect us to be!

This is the truth: when it comes to being single, I am on the edge of giving up sometimes. It’s been two odd months and it’s gotten hard.

I miss those dates nights.

I miss the laughter and the silly private jokes.

Darn it, I miss the pet names on the iPhone!

So I want to be honest: being single is not really easy. Even today, as I write this, it’s not easy for me and it’s not something I enjoy – I am not going to pretend it is.

I know this is not the norm, and I know that this throws a spanner in the works for what is acceptable in Christian circles. We just don’t talk about loneliness in singleness do we?

I know because every time you attend a singles seminar, you are met with single women in their 30s/40s/50s/insert age here who are livinggggggg their best life now, lovingggggggg being single and not even desiring a partner at allllllllllll because they are just sooooooo in love with Jesus. I mean, they don’t want to marry and it’s soooooo fine if they never have children because they are soooooo fulfilled.

Biko, I am sorry o. Ndo and Pele. Sorry, I’m not there. That is just not real for me – I’m not h’enjoying that today. In fact, I’ve not enjoyed my singleness for a few weeks now and that kinda sucks because I can’t escape that.

And I know I’m not meant to say that, am I? I am meant to act like it’s all chill having meal for one and girls night out. Meal for one you know, do you know what kinda prison sentence that feels like? I mean, even inmates don’t eat alone but I’m out here doing UberEats on a Me, Myself and I vibe. Nah, I’m actually tired, can someone call the Parole Board please.

I mean, this is coming from the same Stephanie who wrote about “OWNING YOUR SINGLENESS” in mad capital letters in another post and trust me I meant it in February.

But sorry, can we talk? We are in April now, and sometimes I am tired of seeing my single sisters and dating my girlfriends. It’s not everyday. Sometimes I wanna date a man. I know some of you can relate because your Friday Nights used to be poppin’ and now you out here eating cooked meal for one. Listennnnn some Fridays are more washed than a bag of salad, so washed. Abeg call the Probation Officer, I want early release.

Oh. It’s getting emosh

I am going to tell you what I told my disappointed friend earlier this week:

I reject your disappointment. Like, I fully don’t accept it. And if you are really disappointed, I’m sorry you feel that – you can exit stage left. I wish you the best in your life. No more Bae for youuuu. These times my Catholic past is actually in the past – we did not come to be absolved of guilt through the blogosphere.

I’m sorry if you were expecting perfection, because I cannot give it, and I’m sorry if you were expecting a facade because I have’t got it.

I hear what you’re saying Steph, but this is only an issue now because you have options

Not even, because I’m happy when I don’t have options. It’s not because I have options. I really don’t. My only option is to obey the Spirit – everything else is a deception. Oh yes, let’s be real – you read the same Bible as me; the guy calling is a trap, the brutha connecting is a myth and the uncle trying to make moves right now is just another temptation.

I only have one option – in fact, I only ever have this one option: to seek Him until He is enough.

That’s what He told me. What did He tell you?

What is He telling you right now, even as you read this?

Because I wanna pray for you Reader. If you are single and reading this, I want to pray, not that you will be married by this time next year, or that you would find the One before the cock crows on the 31st December 2019, but that you will find Him.

Is that what you want? Because if not, thanks for reading thus far, you can exit page by clicking on the top right hand corner.

Because this is my honest prayer. This week’s blog was supposed to be about something and someone entirely different, but God didn’t make it so. He led me to be transparent and offer the last thing that remains when I am tired of myself – and that’s prayer.

I haven’t got gist tonight or one flashback tale, but what I do have is a simple prayer.

That you will find Christ in your singleness.

That you will settle in the knowledge that He is ENOUGH.

I pray this prayer for everyone who reads this post and is brave enough to make that journey. Because The Chronicles of Bae is not about finding a man or a woman, it’s about finding JESUS.

Some of us have found men before, but we don’t need men. We need Him.

So can I pray that for you?

That your flesh will not fail.

That you will keep holding on.

That you will not allow your age to worry you.

That you will not be driven by your parent’s/auntie’s/friend’s desire to marry you off.

That you will go against the common advice to “see how it goes” and stop giving people chances who don’t deserve it.

That you will learn to add “no” to your vocabulary.

The prayer I want to pray for you today is actually the same prayer I pray for myself: not to find Bae, but that Bae will not come until you are ready. Yeah – re-read that and say ‘Amen’.

You will not jump the gun.

You will not miss it.

You will not act out in rebellion.

And you definitely will not believe the misplaced misjudged need lie to fill the partner shaped hole in your life with another partner.

Today on Good Friday, I realise my own arrogance and ignorance, and I come with good news, because the Bible is filled with stories of people who had to wait.

And it was worth it, don’t you ever get that twisted for a minute.

It will be worth it – if you wait, and those aren’t just typed words – allow Him to prove that to you.

The (single season) journey continues…

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